


small red boy

by L_The_Banana_King



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Study, Fluff and Angst, Healing, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Not Beta Read, Past Abuse, during quarantine we are working on ourselves no cap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:22:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23359975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L_The_Banana_King/pseuds/L_The_Banana_King
Summary: Ryuji learned what was right and wrong from his father at a very young age. He learned that it was wrong to refuse to grab another beer from the fridge for dad, that selfishness was unacceptable, that boys like girls and anyone that said different was disgusting.
Relationships: Amamiya Ren/Sakamoto Ryuji, Kurusu Akira/Sakamoto Ryuji, Persona 5 Protagonist/Sakamoto Ryuji
Comments: 4
Kudos: 242





	small red boy

**Author's Note:**

> warnings for homophobia, homophobic language (f slur), mentions and references to past abuse, minor violence  
> just kinda avoid this fic if homophobia is triggering tbh  
> on god i am going to be a fuckin stereotype and name all my fics after AJJ songs so ;;; ha  
> sorry if the spelling and grammar is all fucky wucky, I don't have anyone beta read these

Ryuji learned what was right and wrong from his father at a very young age. He learned that it was wrong to refuse to grab another beer from the fridge for dad, that selfishness was unacceptable, that boys like girls and anyone that said different was disgusting.

Some of those lessons still branded his skin with scars from the broken glass, bumps on his head that never really faded as much as his hair grew out to cover them.

Even after his piece of shit father left, those things stuck with him. He still flinched when he dropped things and would apologize profusely, and was never too comfortable with being what his dad would call disrespectful until after Kamoshida. Loud noises were no friend of Ryuji’s, and slammed doors would linger in the space that his dad left open after he walked out the door to never re-enter. 

Not everything was completely terrible about his father, things just got bad after he lost his job and picked up day-drinking as a new profession. Maybe that was the worst part, as sometimes Ryuji couldn’t shake the image of his mother being so, so happy when he was little, and how his dad would let him up top of his shoulders so he could see over crowds. As time passed, Ryuji would also realize that his father was right in some aspects, the ways that he could point out every flaw in Ryuji and remind him that his aggression was always going to destine Ryuji to living just like his father, a ticking time bomb. He was reminded the most by Kamoshida, when he couldn’t control himself the one time that it counted. Nothing was as harrowing as seeing his mother quietly apologize for Ryuji; her quiet sorrow was scarier than his dad’s anger could ever be. 

So now, he stayed quiet. He let the rumors go, spin him into whatever was most convenient, sometimes embracing his so-called “delinquency” by bleaching his hair, never wearing the correct school uniform, and letting his grades slip into oblivion. It wasn’t like he had the money to go to university without that track scholarship that he had lost, and going into debt for someone as awful as Ryuji wasn’t an option. He stopped visiting the school guidance counselor, tired of hearing the same spiel about tutoring, dead ends, and squandered potential.

He was in the worst place he had ever been when he met Akira and his life spun into the craziness that was phantom thievery. All of a sudden, he had a new group of friends, people who cared about him, a best friend, a life worth living. Ryuji no longer withered away in the comfort of his bed after school, no, he had business in Mementos, or was hanging out with Akira and Ann.  
When the feelings first struck him, he attributed them to Ann. She was gorgeous, had long blonde hair, curves, and legs for days. She was literally a model, so it made sense that Ryuji was getting so flustered around the group. Ryuji found it weird that he never was super attracted to her personality, so why was he so nervous, why did he want her so bad?

The first time it ever occurred to him that it could’ve been Akira that he liked was on the Hawaii trip. Traversing up and down the beach and trying to hit on American girls was endlessly frustrating. They always rejected him, not like he cared that much; it hurt more when he saw Akira casually flirt. Ryuji would get unnaturally antsy whenever Akira looked like he was getting anywhere. He thought it was jealousy when the thought struck him out of left field, ‘I wish Akira was looking at me instead.’ At this revelation, he dragged Akira away so they could go get dinner with Yusuke. He couldn’t keep thinking like that, he was getting irrational.

At the time, Akira had shot him a confused look, as Ryuji’s face turned bright red in embarrassment. He ignored Akira’s stare, and buried whatever track his mind was going down. He didn’t like Akira. The only guys that dated other guys were just dudes who couldn’t score chicks. 

=

The next time he thought that way about Akira was a while later. It was just a normal day in the summer that they spent sweltering and melting in Leblanc’s attic. Too hot to play games or to hold a conversation, they just ate popsicles while trying to let the cold hardwood seep into their bones. Akira was lounging around, fiddling with his popsicle stick like he would with his pencils, and trying to shed every layer that could be removed without making him look like he would get arrested for public indecency. Akira’s hair was plastered to his head because of how wet it had become, and beads of sweat would slide down his body just to disappear under the collar of his shirt. Ryuji looked at him - really looked at him - and had the simple thought of, ‘he’s kinda cute when he’s all tired like this. He’s like some kind of cat.’

Ryuji instead of surprise, an exasperated wave of emotion rolled over him. It was no longer a panic, just an annoyed acceptance. ‘Shit.’

=

His father wasn’t the only one that hammered the idea of gay people being weird into his brain, no, that could also be credited to the children he grew up around who hurled slurs like grenades. Of course ‘fag’ was like any other word, just an offensive epithet to call a dude who couldn’t throw right or didn’t want to talk about girls. He specifically remembers the worst example though, that time that one of his classmates had decided to pick a fight with a boy in theater. The boy had a bit of a higher voice, Ryuji remembers him being described as ‘some queer’ by the kids around him, but he never saw the extent of the animosity people held toward the boy until Ryuji saw him crumpled on the pavement, nose broken, and a venomous “fucking fag” spat his way.  
Kids who expressed queerness, in Ryuji’s experience, never ended up in good places. Those kids were the ones ostracized and bullied the most. Being gay was never an option, not in the world Ryuji lived in.

Ryuji’s feelings for Akira were shoved aside, because Ryuji wasn’t like those other kids. He couldn’t be. Even if being gay magically became an option socially, Akira would think he was weird, or gross for liking him. He had seen Akira hit on girls and engage Ryuji in talking about women. It was best just to keep his feelings down, and away, so they couldn’t bother the good thing they had.

=

By the time they were finishing Shido’s palace, Ryuji had managed to hold in his feelings for months, even if his heart fluttered everytime Akira looked at him, or touched him. Sometimes, he thought, it physically hurt to be around Akira, it squeezed his stomach and throat into knots from all the things left unsaid. Some days Ryuji would lie awake in bed after their hangouts, just imagining a world where things could’ve been better, where Kamoshida never hurt anyone, where Akira never came to Tokyo because of probation, and where Ryuji never caught feelings in the first place so he wouldn’t have to be so aware of everything that wasn’t his.

The day Akechi died, Ryuji had to watch a piece of Akira die. Maybe it was the hope that somehow he had clung to for the betterment of Akechi, maybe it was just the innocence that one loses when they have to experience death that closely. He didn’t know what, but he knew that something was missing from Akira’s eyes that was there before. 

Akira certainly had a new determination when it came to defeating Shido’s palace, taking the thieves to the metaverse every day after school, and when that wasn’t possible, he was working his ass off at one of his part time jobs so they could get weapons and medicine.

Ryuji remembers, when the palace was crumbling, when it seemed all hope was lost, he found a way out, never even thinking of consequences when mindlessly making the decision to get to that boat lift. When he got back and everyone was so mad at him, he was confused. It wasn’t like Ryuji was the most important part of the team, in fact, it was pretty well known that Ryuji was there to take the heavy hits. Nevertheless, everyone was furious when he got back.

Akira had looked at him with a strange look in his eye, and had offered to let Ryuji spend the night at Leblanc. Ryuji accepted, and as the thieves gradually left the train at their stops, Ryuji kept feeling the glare from Akira. He knew he was in for an earful when Akira asked Futaba to take Morgana for the night.

Ryuji kept his eyes downcast as he trailed Akira to Leblanc in a tense silence. Sojiro had already closed up for the night, further worrying Ryuji. When they stepped in, the small bell chime had Ryuji flinching as Akira sat himself in a booth with a practiced smoothness and calm.

Ryuji, endlessly antsy, had automatically sat himself across from Akira, unconsciously trying to sink as low as he could into the seat, making himself smaller.

Akira had folded his hands on top of the table, crossing and then uncrossing his legs before opening his mouth to speak, “What were you thinking back there, ‘Yuji?” Akira’s voice came out wobbly and wet, quickly alarming Ryuji.

He shot his eyes up to look Akira in the face, and almost wished he hadn’t. Akira’s shoulders shook, and his mouth was twisted into a tight grimace, with tears threatening to spill unto his face. Ryuji quickly moved to sit besides Akira in the same booth, trying to comfort him. “Hey… I’m here. I’m okay. There's no need to worry, dude.” Ryuji cooed at Akira and embraced him, rubbing his back.

Akira sniffled into his neck. “I-I know that, but… god, Ryuji, what were you thinking?”

Ryuji laughed humorlessly. “I really wasn’t, to be honest. I just kinda did what needed to be done. I didn’t really think about what could’a happened to me, I just knew I had to protect you guys, over anythin’ else.”

Akira shoved Ryuji, without any strength. “You really scared everyone, you know? I don’t-” his voice broke, “I don’t know what I would’ve done without you. You’re my best friend. My place is beside you and all that.”

Ryuji’s heart clenched at the reminder of that day. “I know - and I’m real sorry, ‘Kira. Better me than the whole team though, yeah?”

Turns out that was the wrong thing to say, as Akira just starting sobbing even harder.

“Shit, shit, shit… sorry sorry -” Ryuji started but Akira quickly cut him off.

“Don’t you ever think that you could leave me. In any situation. There - there's always another option. You can’t leave me, ‘Yuji.”

Ryuji didn’t really know how to respond, so just trying to lighten the situation, he quietly mused, “Jeez, ‘Kira, ya sound like some kinda clingy girlfriend.”

Akira pulled his face out of Ryuji’s neck, wiping his face on his sleeves, before fixing Ryuji with a hard glare. “You’re a real dumbass, Ryu,” and planted his lips on Ryuji’s.

Ryuji froze in surprise, before responding. In Ryuji’s daydreams, their first kiss was never like this. Salty because of the tears that were just running down Akira’s face, it was an angry kiss full of nips. Akira drew back, before resting his forehead against Ryuji’s. “Do you get it, Ryuji? I really love you, ok?”

This time, it was Ryuji’s turn to get choked up. “You do? You don’t think I’m gross? ‘Cuz I really like you ‘Kira, and this would be a mean as hell prank.”

Akira huffed and fixed Ryuji with a deadpan look. “Do I really come off as that kind of person to you?”

Ryuji snorted. “I - I guess you’re right, but I just never… never thought that you’d like me too.”

Akira’s eyes softened, as he tucked his face back into the crook of Ryuji’s shoulder. The tension from Ryuji that had rested on his shoulders for seemingly a lifetime seeped from his figure as he set his head upon Akira’s.

=

Akira was mostly fine with the privacy, at first. It felt almost like a game - competing to see who could get the sneakiest kisses, and feeling smug about hands interlocked under tables. He felt like a spy, pawning Morgana off in the least obvious ways so he could go have private lunches on the rooftop. 

It was fine - until it wasn't. The sneakiness felt more tedious than fun, and on their little dates across Shibuya, it pissed Akira off to no end whenever someone would blatantly hit on Ryuji. Akira could see why he was so awful at getting a girlfriend, as he would never notice the very clear flirtation, all while Akira steamed in his anger at the difficulty of batting the strangers away. That, plus the added frustration of not being able to physically interact with Ryuji when they were hanging out. The times that Akira would be shrugged off in the subway, or when hands would hang limply at their sides when they could be holding. Morgana got harder to send away - him going as far as hiding under Akira’s bed, because of his endless curiosity.

It came to a head when Morgana pretended to go out on a walk, just to later eavesdrop outside Akira’s window. The only acknowledgement he gave was quiet looks during meetings and acting less hostile towards Ryuji.

Morgana didn’t ask questions anymore.

Akira started pressing Ryuji more and more about his affection, making little comments during their “dates.” Ryuji wasn’t good with subtlety, so Akira ended up arranging another sit down with him.

They were both hanging out on the couch, playing a game of Punch Ouch when Akira asked him straight, “Why don’t you want to be seen with me?”

Ryuji fully flinched, and lost the round before setting down his controller carefully. “Isn’t it more fun this way?”

Akira looked him in the eyes, stone faced as usual. “No. I like being with you, and I’d like it even better if we didn’t have to be so conscious about where we are when I want to touch you.”

Ryuji was the first to look away from their faux staring contest. “What- what if you get hurt cuz of me?” his voice wavered, alerting Akira to the seriousness of his statement.

Akira softened his tone, and cupped Ryuji’s face in his hands, guiding his vision back towards him. “Do you think that someone will hurt me because of you?”

Ryuji softly scoffed. “Well, it's not like everyone is super accepting ya know?” He sighed. “I don’t want you to get even more rumors too. You have enough on your plate as it is.”

Akira gently climbed his way to Ryuji’s lap. “Yuji, I know some safe places if you’re truly scared, but to be honest, I would honestly prefer for those types of rumors to be going around.” At Ryuji’s questioning look, Akira twiddled with his bangs before continuing, “I want people to know that I’m yours. I want people to know that you’re unavailable. You’ve been wanting me to be more selfish, so… I want you to myself.”

Ryuji’s face could’ve burst into flames at Akira’s words, by what his face looked like. Akira giggled a little, but sobered up before starting again. “At the very least, I wanna tell the other thieves. I want to be able to at least talk about you with them.”

"I think... I think I could handle that." Ryuji mumbled. 

Akira spoke earnestly. "Thank you, 'Yuji. I know that this is hard for you." He kissed the tip of the blonde boy's nose. 

=

Ryuji found that telling Akira that he would tell the thieves that they were together was actually much easier than actually telling the thieves.

As he paced in Leblanc waiting for the group to all gather, Akira kept trying to get him to calm down. "Ryuji, you know that they'd never reject us, they're our best friends. Plus, you gotta know that Yusuke will at least be comfortable, he goes to an art school for god's sake."

"Yeah ok but what if they don't? What if Makoto thinks that we're weird delinquents or something and what if Ann thinks that-"

Akira grabbed Ryuji by the shoulders and looked him dead in the eye, cutting off his rambling. "Do you really, honestly think that any of them could ever hate you? We've all been through hell together, I hardly think that this would be a dealbreaker."

Ryuji sighed. "I don't... know? Like realistically I don't think they'd hate me but theres this... part of me that thinks that sometimes even I'm gross for liking you, ya know? I'm just scared that they have parts of themselves like that too, and that they will somehow see me differently cuz of it."

Akira leaned against the bar. "Do you think I'm gross fro liking you? Because if you're gross, then I am too, and I don't think that you think I'm gross."

Ryuji put his face against Akira's neck, nuzzling him. "It sounds dumb when you say it like that..."

Akira laughed. "C'mon, let's go. We got this." He dragged Ryuji out of his stupor and cradled his hands while they waited for everyone to arrive.

And Akira was right, smartass that he is, he even gave Ryuji a shit eating grin when Ann admitted that she and Shiho had been an item for quite a while. Morgana was even a bit frusterated that they had called a meeting just to announce something that was already so obvious to the rest of the thieves.

Ann giggled. "Honestly! I was wondering if you guys were ever gonna tell us! I think I first figured it out during Madarame's palace that the two of you were dating."

Ryuji practically did a double take. "What?!" He sputtered. "We- I- I didn't even realize I had feelings for him until Okumura's palace! What the hell?"

There was a beat of silence in the cafe until all of the thieves burst into laughter. 

Futaba was the first to choke out a sentence. "Pfffff- did it really take you that long? Jesus- maybe I mischaracterized Inari as the idiot here!"

Yusuke had an excited glint to his eye. "Does this mean that I didn't even need to go to Inokashira Park in order to capture young love?"

Akira blushed. "Y- Yusuke! I thought we agreed not to mention that!"

Overall, the day had been full of laughter and acceptance, sometimes with Ryuji just sitting back and soaking up the love that he could feel radiating off of all the other thieves that day. The hangout had ended only when everyone had to catch the last subway rides of the day, and even after Ryuji flopped down into his bed in that old, memory riddled apartment that he shared with his mom, he couldn't wipe the smile off of his face.

Even with the cracks in the walls and the shatters in the mirror; the memories of his dad permeating every step that one could take in the cramped living space, Ryuji was happy. He knew that new memories were just waiting to be made, and for the dusty flat to finally start feeling more like a home.


End file.
